Lost Self

Introduction

So here I sit trying to contemplate the meaning of life.  As I try to remember who I once was it becomes very cloudy and strange.  I don’t really remember who my parents are, and I have glimpses of my grandmother who raised me.  I remember being married but the bitter horrific ending only leaves me in regret.   I ponder on the pain I must have caused this person who I loved, who in no way deserved the pain I was capable of causing.  And for her to so easily take a life so completely away from someone who had no clue what was happening or whom he or she were, leaves me paralyzed with fear of this world.  But as I sum it up in my head and analyze it, it all comes back to me.  It comes down to the fact that I caused it; everything that happened was a reaction to something I did.  But the fact that I don’t think I could have changed a single thing haunts my every dream.  And the bitter truth, that the pain of my reality is a product of my actions.  And by the time I was beginning to understand what was happening to me, it was already to late.

I wake up from the same nightmares every night and morning; the ones that I made come true.  You see if we believe something strong enough we can make it happen, even if it’s the last thing in this world we really want to happen.  But when reality is harder than your imagination, it sends shivers through our spine.  The feeling of anger deep inside our souls that consumes every moment of every breath we take.  That we must wake up yet another morning.  the resentment that we survived the accident, the realization that we have to live another day.  Then you think and contemplate why all this had to happen.  During the pain and suffering you achieve things that you would have never done.  You live with the regrets that you could not change and it repeats itself over and over again.  That you had to live the journey to make a difference in things that you never once thought about.  Some thing greater than yourself, and you are left only able to follow.  But you don’t want to follow you want your life back.  You want to feel at home once again a feeling that consumes survivors.  They say home is where your heart is, what happened to our hearts.

You think about how you watch in slow motion in a matter of just a couple months your entire life that you believed had meaning, just vanish into thin air.  Your family, friends and colleges disappear one by one.  Your children who mean more than life itself to you, taken from your life by ignorant people, and you just watch this all happen right before your eyes.  The feeling of being totally lost in a world, that seems to be out to destroy any purpose your may of once had, because they refuse to understand or even try.  You remember people saying you look fine so they assume you are, and you so want to be fine and who they want you to be.  The chatter of how you lost it, and the comparisons of your good days that you was like the old you, and the agony that you cant give that to them.  As try with every bit of energy to be these things, you cannot do it fast enough, you see our society is based on now, and we cannot do it now.  And the harder you try the more stressed and confused you get.  We have to go through all those emotions, and grief to begin to heal.  But for most of us our lives fall apart before we are ready to heal. Never getting the chance to begin to heal and put back together this life we once had.  Your life and existence tormented by those you once loved just because they wouldn’t try to understand.  We cannot blame them that are the normal human reactions; every action is followed by a reaction.  My best advice is to try to control your actions, or understand that this action is not real, its just garbage being processed and that it will pass.  Don’t take it personal and work through these feelings and that it will take much time and love.

You come to the realization of things that if you want answers you have to find them.  As you start your journey of trying to find answers you only find more questions.  Your path leads you to be involved in the process of interrupting what might be answers.  You become distracted by a system that has been irrelevant for many years.  A foundation based on a past of unaccountability and bad choices.  And the next thing you know people are looking at you to make it relevant one with purpose, one that might help others find their answers.  As you get to know other like yourself you find out this awful nightmare is happening to almost every survivor.  You see the answers right there, all the help one could ever need right there, but no one can find it.  Its all so clear but no one can see how easy it is to make it better.  The resources and supports just waiting to be used but they are never accessed because of a host of obstacles.  You watch so many people struggle that don’t have to.  You realize how lucky you are because of the purpose you have in your life.  As the quilt eats at your soul, because you just don’t want to do it, how its not fare.  All the time the people you are meeting are dieing and committing suicide or even worse living a life of death. 

You remember when you made efforts to try to figure this new person, this you that now exists; you would be met with fear and anger.  You would be forced to live a life of death.  Every ounce of life from your soul would be robbed and played with.  People would think you would be deliberately doing the things you are on purpose.  You would not understand that you had a traumatic brain injury.  You to would want to be good, fine or healed, what ever it is the people in your life want.  You would see the pain you were causing and with every effort you could only make it worse for everyone.  The ones who you cherished the most, you would watch yourself become worthless to them.  As every relationship you ever had would disappear and the ability to rebuild new ones would not exist.  It comes down to the will to live.  The basic believe that life is worth living.  If you can imagine every emotional connection you had in your life to just stop, and to try to reconnect them buy you just cant.  The thing you need most, you watch yourself destroy one action at a time.  And you just watch yourself, trapped in motion you cannot control.  And as every bit of what you once loved and who you were, thrown away one by one.  As the dust settles around the trashcan it is you throwing it away with every crazy uncontrollable action.  

You would get to the point you wanted was the pain to just stop.  You would think, why Lord did I have to live, you wished you died, which only chases people farther away.  Then you would want to get out of everyone’s way, not wanting to cause anymore of the pain that you are in their lives.  As we try to get out of peoples way so we don’t hurt them.  They take that as a personal attack on them, and they react by wanting to hurt us more.  As I remember the chain of events of how my life got to where it is.  I try not to blame everyone, but as I reach for forgiveness in my heart knowing that the resentment I am holding deep inside my soul, is keeping me in this prison with in myself.  There is a saying that we should treat people like how we want to be treated.  So why should it be so shocking that people treat you, just like you are treating yourself.  Kind of an evil vicious circle, we have to learn to like ourselves first.  But through our own actions we have made ourselves worthless to other people.  We become more work that we are worth.  And we did all of this by our actions.  And we blame them for their reaction.  It goes on and on till we are consumed with fear and regret.

You would be force to life a live that had no personal meaning.  But through all of this incredible pain, opportunities would come that were beyond this world.  That had a purpose that was so needed.  All the time you are trying to find peace in your life that was stripped away from you like you were a criminal.  Your action creates a reaction of inflicting pain, till there is nothing left.  But that purpose being so great and so needed that somehow out of all the ashes and pain you can be a part of good things, things so good and life changing for so many, but you cannot change a single event in your own life.  But you are drawn to the good, and you find the strength each day to keep going, it fuels your soul.  As you realize those who do not have this in their life, shame fills your soul for feeling the way you do.  You are blessed with a purpose and still live in regret, a regret that only you have the power to change.  That hope of finding that answer keeps us going, it has to be there.  It is our journey to find our own answers.  And the resources we find along the way will make or break our hope.  I guess that why it’s so hard its right there can’t everyone see it, why can’t I see it, why can’t I hold it or feel it.

The darkness inside you screams to get out.  Your thoughts faster than you can think.  A grim, horrific vision of a tomorrow with no hope or dreams, one that we wish never had to happen.  A past you do not remember or want to.  A life in motion with a purpose you no longer understand, or control.  You are stuck in a prison with in your own mind, yet fulfilling a destiny that’s not your own.  You wonder when it will stop and how much more you can take.  But you promise your God you will do what He puts in front of you no matter how hard.  The realization that this is how it needs to be, this is how it had to be, but the bitterness that it has to be you.  You wonder if it could have been different or was this the only way.  You dream of a day when it is no more, and the pain stops. With every prayer you beg God to put an end to all of it.  It’s sad that the people who I loved never realized how hard I tried to find the answers.  And what hurts more is that I think I could have found the answers.  I had the chance to find myself.  But the truth of it, if I would have I would have never been the action to create change in the system designed to help us.  It just goes to show you how funny life really is, and that it is truly not about us.  Be careful what you promise God, I vowed to do His good.  And through a series of bizarre events in a crazy mixed up life.  In the end, I have no choice but to make good my promises to God.

As you wait and pray for a death you have been feeling and prophesizing from the beginning of a loss of reason.  You tried to run from the reality that is now your life.  You now feel the pains of your life, you forgot how to love and feel.  Surrounded by hundreds of people yet alone.  Each night as you fall asleep that pray, no that plead for God to let you be finished.  That you can’t take or do anymore, thank you just don’t want to life this life.  And you wake up each morning submitting to what you think God’s purpose in your life is, saying I will do what you want. 

I don’t want anyone’s sympathy, everything is of my own doing, and for me to be where I am at in my life and involve in what I am, everything had to happen.  I guess to understand I had to die the life, walk the walk, breath the air and feel the pain.  I think the more complicated the life, the more complicated the injury.  I was searching for the meaning of life before my injury.  Unfortunately I neglected the ones who I loved along the way, trying so hard to right the wrongs.  As I told you I made a promise to God and did not do right by my promise.  I was neither hot nor cold; I did not live up to the expectations.  I then to was blessed with many wonderful things, but did not value them.  You have to take a stand in life, and that line in the sand is real.

I am very blessed to have such great purpose, by sharing the stories of how I got to be how I am.  I hope other can learn a lot of what not to do.  Keep you mouth shout, and be careful of how others are feeling.  These stories were written during different periods of different mental states, and cycles of fear.  Some may seem hard but all were a reaction to an action that I caused.  I don’t blame anyone.  But maybe you can see or understand what a survivor is thinking or going through.  Maybe it will help a loved on understand its just every thought spoken out load and not to take it personal, its just a process that we have to go through.  Maybe someone will come along and put all our resources in one spot so we have the supports at hand.  Maybe that someone will be me.  Like me this story is going to go backwards, relating to the process of what is now.  I guess as I write I hope for understanding to.  Maybe this will be a guide like the dummies guide of what not to do with a TBI.  I pray that by sharing my story I can change other people’s stories.  So that so many of us do not have to go through this.  I hope to help families understand we are worth it, don’t abandon us, please.

And through all of my writing over the past three years, I have gained a kind of courage.  I have lost my fear of death, but in some ways my chance of hope.  I finally took a stand, and as I look for my answers I understand I want peace or death.  And I know now from my most inner being that I hold these answers.  If I follow the path I believe my destiny, I will find one or the other.  I am not afraid of what people think no more, I am who I am or in some cases that I am not.  That the thousands of lives I am effecting is of something greater than myself.  That I have the chance to change this world of mine, a world I never knew existed, a world so painful and misunderstood, a world of isolation and loneliness for so many into a world of possibilities and hope.  And as I walk my path I know my answers are close.  I feel the timer in me, and it’s about ready to go off.  I don’t know how to explain it.  But either peace or death is near, and the weird thing is I don’t care which one it is, as long as the pain and fear are no more.

Chapters

The Here and Now

Purpose of Life

Loving Your Children

Hope for a Tomorrow

Standing Firm

Numbered Days

My Dog Butchie

The Dark Path

Twisted Fate

Loved to Death

Doors

Her Hardened Heart

Hard Truth

Every Time I Die

The Fog

Unlovable

Life of Sin

Life of Lies

In The Beginning